Fic: Howdy

Aug. 15th, 2017 01:15 am
afra_schatz: Made by wizzicons on LJ (Default)
[personal profile] afra_schatz
This is what happens when I spend the afternoon mending fences (literally, not metaphorically) in the sun and then chat with [personal profile] noalinnea who is not only a horrible enabler but also responsible for Orlando’s Native American name. Also, I urge you all to “fill in the gaps” and provide me with suggestions as to the rest of JC’s names. - Also, because I keep postponing this, I shall now hereby promise to write Eric and Viggo tomorrow. You all heard me.

‘Howdy, West.’

‘Oh God.’

‘No, it’s Gerry.’

‘Yes, I know that. First of all, I have caller ID, second of all, you’re pretty much the only person who has this number.’


‘Because you coerced me into giving it to you.’

‘Oh, aye, I totally did, didn’t I. I was just standing there, having a smoke, no, I mean silently coercing you when you showed up in that sort of sneaky looming sort of way you have and made me save your number in my mobile.’

‘Whatever. My initial reaction wasn’t owed to the fact that you called, it was in response to your greeting. And it is, I might add, in continued response to that absolutely horrific attempt at a Texan drawl you’re torturing my ears with right now.’

‘Don’t be stupid, West, I always sound like this.’

‘No, you normally sound like you’re best mates with the monster of Loch Ness. Now you sound like you have a chewing gum factory in your mouth and your vocal cords run on slow motion.’

‘Do you have a notebook, West? I mean I picture you sitting there in a dark corner of your hotel room or your bathtub, scribbling ideas for outlandish descriptions into your tiny black notebook for future use.’

‘Please don’t picture me sitting in my bathtub, Gerry.’

‘Too late. I bet you have a lot of rubber ducks, don’t you? Don’t answer that, don’t ruin my mental image of you surrounded by little ducklings.’

‘I think the Texan sun is not doing you any good, to be honest. Why are you even in Texas?’

‘What kind of question is that, West? You told me to go!’

‘Yes, I told you to go. I didn’t tell you to go to Texas.’

‘I got what you meant.’

‘I highly doubt that.’

‘Anyroad, I just got onto one of those big busses and when I couldn’t sit any longer - turns out, I can sit for a long time, my arse seems to be made for sitting and I was getting food from this nice lass sitting next to me - I got off the bus and then I was in Texas.’

‘You shouldn’t take food from strangers.’

‘Nonsense, as if Grace would’ve poisoned me. You’d like her. Though I don’t think the feeling would be mutual. She doesn’t seem impressed by you.’

‘Which has all to do with me and nothing at all with the cartoon character you undoubtedly described.’

‘Excuse you, I am a biology teacher, I know how to describe shit objectively. And it even reflects in your Indian, err sorry, Native American name.’

‘Just a quick interjection here for future reference: I didn’t ask.’

‘Grace gave you the perfect Native American name. And it’s not “Scary Eyes Who Blows Shit Up”.’

‘It isn’t?’

‘No. But I’m not gonna tell you, since you’re obviously not interested.’

‘Which I’m not. Because I am an adult and not a five year old playing Cowboys and Indians.’

‘You sound like Orlando. Err, I mean you sound like “Silently Judging Very Loudly”.’

‘I think that should’ve been “Loudly Judging Very Loudly”.’

‘No, and that’d make to easy to mix him up with “Bellows The House Down”.’

‘That’s Sean?’


‘Why not “Healing Couch” or “Mismatching Socks” or “Hungry Bear”?’

‘Wow, you’re good at this, West.’

‘I know you mean that as a compliment, but it makes me cry inside.’

‘We both know you’re lying, so I’m just gonna ignore that statement.’

‘So, you spent your entire Greyhound ride chatting with your Native American friend?’


‘Grace, was it?’

‘Oh, she’s not Native American; she’s an exchange student from Birmingham. Why would you think that -? Oh, okay, I get it now. No, she’s loves Kevin Costner movies, and “Dances With Wolves” is her favourite. Which, really, is just a case of bad taste. Clearly the best Costner movie is “Waterworld”. - West? Hello? West? Did you seriously hang up on me?’

on 2017-08-14 11:34 pm (UTC)
openidwouldwork: (SA)
Posted by [personal profile] openidwouldwork
*hangs up* and *flails*


*falls out of bed laughing*
Edited on 2017-08-14 11:45 pm (UTC)

on 2017-08-15 06:19 am (UTC)
Posted by [personal profile] openidwouldwork
lurks-in-shadows ... Marsters
embraces-the-stars ... Fillion

Also, Texas is NOT a safe travel destination!

Edited on 2017-08-15 06:25 am (UTC)

on 2017-08-15 07:43 pm (UTC)
noalinnea: (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] noalinnea
Enabler? Moi?
My brain feels like jelly today and I can't come up with anything that's not horrible, but let me stand grinning at the side-lines and applaude!

on 2017-08-16 01:11 pm (UTC)
gattodoro: (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] gattodoro
I'm wondering if West is 'Plays with Fire', which wouls make Karl 'Runs with Wolves'. Bernard might be 'Devious Grey Beard' and Miranda could be 'Serene Duck Lady'. Gerry is 'Crazy Tartan Arse'.

P.S. Cate ('Wise Goddess of Serenity') says that the best Kevin Costner film is definitely "Bull Durham"

on 2017-08-18 06:26 pm (UTC)
Posted by [personal profile] openidwouldwork


afra_schatz: Made by wizzicons on LJ (Default)

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